DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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