Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
