Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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