So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
