Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
