alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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