dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
