i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
