So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
