I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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