i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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