i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
People in love make me want to vomit
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize