You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
