good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
