So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
