Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
