i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize