I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
