im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
