somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
