I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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