Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
