The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
