i already hear my dad disowning me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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