i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
