he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
