update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
