Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
