"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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