Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
