Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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