Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The best revenge is premature balding
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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