Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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