woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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