why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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