Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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