I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
smell my finger.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
