NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
