Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
sarcasm needs its own font
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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