You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
