he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
