I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
