I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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