What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
