I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
