How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
