The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
