is your mom at the bar?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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