alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize