Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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