I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
