I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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