i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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