you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
