So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
