I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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