Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize