Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
