Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
