everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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