I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
