I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
