The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
