i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
