I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
