I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
