My room smells like vodka and shame
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
