If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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