Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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