the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
