And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When are your genitals available?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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