My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
