i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
are you so shy because you have an std?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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